Sometimes, my friends ask me for life advice. Sometimes, they're so satisfied with my feedback, they suggest I blog it. Behold: Ask Mags!
Mags, Hey so weird relationship-y thing. I've been dating this really great guy for about 4 months, and this is quickly becoming one of the longest, and for the most part easiest, relationships of my life. I'm overall happy, but I'm really annoyed with him right now because he forgot to do something really important twice (get tickets to a solar eclipse event we want to go to) and I'm actually really upset about it. My urge to is say "hey fix this, you fucked up" but I already did that when he fucked up the first time and now he's fucked up again. Any advice to be like "hey I'm really upset about this" because it's really really bothering me. -- Total Eclipse of My Patience
I guess I have some experience with long term relationships so here's my thought. Usually around 4-6 months is when you start to learn what about this person you are enamored with annoys the piss outta you. And that's when you need to make some decisions about your priorities. He knows it's important to you, but it's also possible that he's scatterbrained and on the list of "things important to Total Eclipse of My Patience" this one keeps falling off the radar in place of other priorities- like consistent date nights, emotional support, etc. There comes a time in every relationship where you have to look at somebody's flaws (like them being scatterbrained about something like an eclipse event) and decide, is this a part of a larger pattern? or is this flaw something that in the general scheme of things doesn't matter too much?
I've been in that situation in every long term relationship I've been in and I feel like, especially post-Bob-the-Snob (nickname for my abusive ex), what does and doesn't count as a flaw has really changed based on what my real priorities are emotionally. I look at the thing I'm irritated about in the broader context of the person, to decide if it really matters. For example there's a lot of little things about Bob the Snob I SHOULD have pieced into a broader context (like his little particularities about my behavior or hobbies or job that were part of a broader pattern of being controlling) and at the same time there's things about Dude (current bae) I would have struggled with in my 20's but now feel like an opportunity for personal growth - namely that he isn't always super fast with identifying his feelings, which provides an opportunity for me to try developing some patience.
So with the eclipse, I'd say, look at it in the broader context and decide if it really matters. It's important to you, sure, but does he in general follow through on things important to you, and show you you're a priority and important to him? If so, okay so he's a bit scatterbrained, can you tolerate a close relationship with somebody scatterbrained? Where does that fall on your priorities? Is there an opportunity for growth for you here that you'd like to take? There's rarely joy in finding your lovers dirty socks, but everybody has them.
Update: Total Eclipse of My Patience ended up deciding to manage getting the tickets herself, and they had a lovely time. A month+ later they're still going strong, she's feeling cared for, and her relationship satisfaction levels are high, so life is good. She keeps sending me ADORABLE photos of them out and about that I won't share here to protect her anonymity.
Feel free to email me your life questions, but right now I will be prioritizing friend questions and eventually Patreon questions so I can't promise I'll get to it! But I'll try!