So, you want to have a threesome

Every few days on OKCupid, I get a message that is some variant of this: 

Screenshot 2017-11-14 13.17.11.png

This one came as I'm sitting in my friend's kitchen, working from home with one couple I'm sweet on and we have been known to get up to no good as a trio, also getting ready to go to dinner with another couple I'm dating. I'm pretty open to dating couples, and group sex with friends can be a great way to have my sexual needs met in a way that I can't lose my heart when I'm having some self-enforced breaks from dating, but this is *not* the way to approach it.

Since I do think many people are trying to be upfront and honest (which is an admirable intention), but don't know what the hell they're doing and are just starting to explore their sexuality in this regard, I think it's time for a little sex ed, fam. This is written with heterosexual couples seeking women to have threesomes with, but many of these principals apply for anybody looking to date women, or anybody looking to create group dynamics. 

First Of All, You're Not Weird (Or Special) 

Look lets be honest: threesomes are great. Group sex is great. It's a hot thing to fantasize about, and a hot thing to try (if that's your thing). In fact, it's such a popular hobby, there's probably a sex positive meetup happening in your city RIGHT NOW that you could attend, and start to learn how to find the situations that tickle your pickle while being respectful to everybody involved. 

actual pic of me opening my OKCupid inbox

actual pic of me opening my OKCupid inbox

That being said, women are constantly being bombarded with inappropriate, objectifying, and downright creepy messages on OKCupid. Considering that, like, every third message is either lewd or potentially abusive, patience is low when sifting through a bunch of junk in our inboxes. If you're going to email anybody, 3some or not, you need to understand the recipient is probably skeptical, fed up, and tired of being treated like a free sex worker when just trying to find some love (or D of their choosing, if that's what they're into). 

You may know your qualities as a person, but you're lost in a sea of dicks yelling for attention. 

What Not To Do

First and foremost, this is a dating site. There's an unspoken assumption of physical attraction, so just, don't bother reiterating it. She knows she's beautiful/hot/cute, and the pictures she's chosen exemplify that in the ways she wants to show you. Resist the urge to put your penis on the keyboard and flop it around until a message emerges. 

Don't immediately ask for a 3some, either. Unless you're hiring a sex worker (which is, by the way, a GREAT option if you just want the sexual experience and don't want to need to think about the other persons fullness as a person), nobody wants to feel like a sex object. If you want to spice up your love life as a couple, try some new toys or fancy lube, or hire an escort. If you genuinely want to form human connections with people, with the open possibility of exploring one another intimately someday if the energy is there, focus on building a connection with them FIRST. 

my secret's out

my secret's out

DON'T list yourself as single. That's super misleading, and if somebody is looking to date single people it's a waste of their time and rude to spring on them that you are not, in fact single. That shit feels shady. One common complaint I've heard from people is that "open relationship" gets fewer replies than "single," but that only makes sense if you're trying to get replies, not actual real dates with actual real people. Nobody likes feeling lied to, and people who are more likely to be into the idea of a group sex situation are also more likely to feel weird about you listing yourself as single when, in fact, you're not. Be honest. 

Doing It Right

The instinct to be honest about your intentions and interests is a good one, but applying it to a first message makes that initial exchange about YOU and YOUR wants, not about finding places of connection with another person.

Actually read women's profiles and look at what they're looking for. The message I screencapped above did alright on this regard, as I'm open in my profile about looking for easygoing casual dating situations with friendship, not a serious primary partner. If her profile indicates she wants to find a primary partnership, and doesn't specifically say she is open to a triad or group relationship, leave her alone. If she's looking for casual, friendship based, or open relationships, start a conversation about her hobbies. 

Feel free to steal my words if you want! I just made this up for your benefit, I'm still single as fuuuuu but kind of enjoying it. 

Feel free to steal my words if you want! I just made this up for your benefit, I'm still single as fuuuuu but kind of enjoying it. 

Make sure your on your profile is clear about what you're interested in finding. In addition to having it well fleshed out as far as your life and hobbies, add to it that you are in an open relationship, and looking to meet new friends and people to date one or both of you. Use the first message to connect with someone's brains or hobbies. If they're interested in chatting more with you, they'll read your profile and decide for themselves if that's something they're potentially interested in.

By putting the human parts of the person you're chatting with first, it helps women feel less like you're looking for a sex toy to spice up your love life, and more like you're looking for genuine friends and lovers to connect with.

Another Starting Point

... speaking of which, feeld has some freaking *awesome* things to say about consent and sex positivity! well done fam. 

... speaking of which, feeld has some freaking *awesome* things to say about consent and sex positivity! well done fam. 

Another great idea is to focus your dating efforts somewhere other than OKCupid, which is usually used by individuals looking for other individuals, and try out a site geared towards people looking for possible group experiences. One option is Feeld. You can maintain a profile on each, and just be very selective about who you message on OKC (see above point about reading a person's profile first).

Is this all super new to you? Are you kind of thinking to yourself, "I... just want to have hot sex, not date another person," that's fine, but you need to be ethical about how you approach it.

Most major cities have local groups of sex positive people that meet up for workshops, platonic group dinners, or sex parties. For the bay area, I recommend Mission Control highly. Finding one of these events and attending can be a good starting place for making some sex-positive friends, who can direct you to a sex party you may attend to with your partner to start exploring. Once you have a good reputation of being respectful, solid in your core partnership, and fun sex positive folks, the likelihood you'll meet a 3some sexyfriend that you feel a fwb's vibe with improves immensely.

If that's too much effort/time/not really what you're looking for, hire a sex worker. I'm serious, it's a sex worker's literal job to be a fun addition to your sex life, it's a valuable service the provide, and this is an ideal circumstance to utilize their services. What escort services are best in your city I don't personally know, but if you take a trip out to Nevada, the Mustang Ranch specifically offers services to couples and has a variety of lovely women that you may connect with (bonus: It's owned by an actually decent person, instead of an abusive creep, like some other NV brothels... ::cough cough::). 

Once More For The Folks In The Back

3somes are fun, sex is great, pleasure is healthy and good for you. Please, go have lots of it, but don't treat women like free sex workers in the process.